Let It Go, Let It Gooooooo….
Forgive. Let things go. Don’t dwell on past pain and suffering. Reflect on what happened, learn from it and move on. We’ve all heard this advice. We all understand the value in it, but how do we actually do this? This is what the books, podcasts and blog posts often forget to help us with. They offer the platitudes but not the all-important “how to”. That’s only half the work, and really doesn’t offer any benefit for those who are stuck and looking for help.
When somebody does something that negatively impacts us, whether intentionally or not, our natural instinct is to look at ourselves. We wonder what we did wrong to that person that they had to treat us badly. We blame ourselves and beat ourselves up. STOP. JUST STOP. When we do this, we are hurting ourselves unnecessarily.
By blaming ourselves for the wrongs others have inflicted on us, we are forgetting to take human nature into account. This is the first step to mastering the art of forgiveness; perspective;
- Learn to understand that we are all human and make mistakes. Some of those mistakes will hurt or upset others. Others’ mistakes will hurt you, and you will also make mistakes in life that will hurt others.
- Very rarely does somebody actually set out with the intention of hurting anybody else. We all have a moral compass, but some work better than others. Sometimes you will get hurt because somebody else is so focused on what they want, and know that you are the key to them getting it, that they fail to stop and consider any consequences. Accept that most people are driven by their own wants or needs. We become so focused on what we want, that we forget to stop and think about how our words or actions might affect others.
The point i’m making here is that it’s not about you. It’s more likely that the other person was going after what they wanted with tunnel vision and couldn’t see the damage that they were causing. Or, perhaps they just made a mistake. It is, thankfully, incredibly rare that one person would intentionally aim to hurt another. We are human. We make mistakes. We don’t always think before we act. I know this for a fact, because I have been here more times than I care to remember. I have hurt people who I loved and cared for deeply just by being thoughtless or through poor judgement.
You can’t dwell on the bad things that you suffered, though. All that this achieves is to slowly erode your confidence. The more you focus on the negative things that you have done or have been done to you, the more your mindset becomes negative. This, in turn, invites self-doubt, pessimism and cynicism into your life while also negatively affecting your relationships. As this all takes hold, you lose focus and direction in life, and opportunities pass you by. In short, by dwelling on past pain, you sabotage your personal or professional development while robbing yourself of happiness.
This is a battle which takes place in your head. Those that have wronged you, are likely carrying on with their lives, oblivious to the pain which they have caused. You, on the other hand, are constantly replaying what happened and beating yourself up. You do need to play it back, but you need to do it with a purpose or else you are just beating yourself up for no reason. This is the second step to mastering forgiveness; reflection;
- You are going to replay the situation in your head anyway, so you might as well get some use out of it. Revisit as much as possible.
- Try to think about the lead-up to the event; what conversations were had, what was done and how it affected you. Did you become angry? Anxious? Happy? Reassured? Hopeful? Nervous?
- Then the event itself. What happened? How did it affect you? How did you react? Did you discuss this with the other person?
- Now, the analysis, which is all about self-awareness, and determining whether you could make any changes to your own behaviour to stop something similar happening again. What lessons can you learn from the experience? If faced again with a similar situation, how would you react next time?
People will say and do things that will hurt you. They are human, and make mistakes. Sometimes they will let their emotions cloud their judgement, and they will not stop to think about how their words or actions will affect you. How this all affects you, is all down to you, and you alone. You can let it eat you up and negatively affect your life, or you can learn and grow from the experience before letting go and moving on.